


I Would Do Anything For Noct

by SimpleLoon



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Brief appearances from Prompto and the Kingsglaive, Comedy, Crack, Gen, Humor, Kidnapping, Some Swearing, could be taken as platonic or romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22601035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimpleLoon/pseuds/SimpleLoon
Summary: “So let me repeat myself: are you prepared to do anything to keep the Prince from harm?”Ignis let out the breath. He stood up, eyes shone determined. This was for Noct.“Yes. I will do anything.”“Great. Do a handstand.”Ignis blinked a few times. “Come again?”Or a humorous take on a kinkmeme prompt, in which Ignis and Noctis are kidnapped, the kidnappers quickly realize Ignis will do anything to keep Noct safe, and take "full" advantage of it.
Relationships: Noctis Lucis Caelum & Ignis Scientia
Comments: 10
Kudos: 43





	I Would Do Anything For Noct

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is: my first FFXV fanfiction! It's been years since I've written fanfiction, but after getting sucked into the FFXV fandom last year, my obsession with fanfics came back fully revived! So, this is my first one of hopefully many more to come.
> 
> Anyway, as noted in the summary, this fanfic is based on a kinkmeme prompt I came across, in which Ignis and Noctis are kidnapped and the kidnappers take advantage of the fact that Ignis will do anything to keep Noctis safe. Now, the original prompt called for torture and suffering, but I thought, "What if they were kidnapped by idiots and just asked Ignis to do stupid stuff?" Thus, this fic was born!
> 
> A couple things before I begin: I would like to thank my writing group for reading over a previous draft and offering helpful comments. Also, there are brief mentions of Dream Powder in this fic. Actually, Dream Powder only appears in FFVII and FFX, but for purposes of this fic, let's pretend it also exists in this universe.
> 
> With that, enjoy!

Ignis had his fair share of horrendous afternoons. There were rather unpleasant experiences running drills in the training halls while the Marshall berated him through a megaphone. And dull affairs in the Citadel listening to Councilman McMillian drone on about the exceedingly high cost of housing expenses as Ignis took notes and cursed foregoing his can of Ebony. But those couldn’t even hold a candle to his harrowing affair of sharing the kitchen with servant Quen. Ignis was convinced that he would suffer no afternoon as greatly as that.

How he hated to be proven wrong.

The day had started off well enough. Ignis and Noctis had been on their way to the animal shelter. Now that Noctis had graduated from high school, Ignis had insisted the Crown Prince become more active in royal duties. Noctis had been less than thrilled to be attending council meetings. But when Ignis mentioned that his charity duties could involve volunteering to help socialize shelter cats, he had never seen Noctis smile brighter. And since it was a beautiful day and the shelter wasn’t too far from Noctis’s apartment, the two had decided to walk there. Ignis had felt relaxed, walking in the clear weather while Noctis babbled on about how he was going to be the best surrogate father to all the kittens. But unfortunately, Ignis’s tranquility had been his undoing, as he had become too serene to notice the van pull up beside them.

How could he have been so foolish? Not only had he been caught off guard and had become victim to Dream Powder, not only had he been strapped to a chair in some large room in some unknown location, not only was there now some odd collar around his neck, but he had allowed the exact same things to happen to Noctis! Ignis clenched his jaw as his mind raced through the potential outcomes of their situation. What kind of danger had he put Noctis in? What kind of people were these captors? What did they want? Ransom? Power? Haters of the Crown? What if they-

Ignis shook his head and closed his eyes. No, it wouldn’t be of any benefit to lose his composure now. He took a few breaths in and out, calming his rapid heartbeat and returning his focus. He reminded himself that he was still here with Noctis. He could still keep him safe.

Ignis opened his eyes and regarded Noctis. He was several feet away from him, but still passed out from the Dream Powder. For once in his life, Ignis thanked Noctis’s adept ability to fall asleep soundly and deeply no matter the location. He would hate it if his Prince awoke and was overcome with stress by their state of affairs. No, Ignis would need to figure out a plan first.

Ignis referred back to the bonds securing his wrists and ankles to the chair. They were rather tight, but if he could have a bit more time to try–

The echo of the clicking of a door and the thuds of footsteps interrupted Ignis. The chamberlain snapped his head in the direction of the noise to see two men and two women striding towards them. Clad in all black, they appeared threatening, but their odd choice of hair color – one of the men and women with hot pink locks and the other two boasting neon green – lent them an air of ridiculousness. Regardless, Ignis knew to be on high alert and scrutinized them as increased in proximity. 

“Well, it appears our _beloved_ Prince is still sleeping.” The hot-pink haired man (or Salmon as Ignis had mentally dubbed him) stepped up to Noctis, looking him up and down.

Ignis glared at Salmon until the woman with hot pink hair (Barbie, Ignis decided to name her) approached him and twirled a strand of her hair. “But it seems Four Eyes here is awake.”

“Yes, how very observant of you,” Ignis responded. “And very clever quip by the way, calling me Four Eyes. Due to my attribute of wearing glasses? What a brilliant remark. You are quite the genius.”

Barbie’s eyes lit up. She spun to face her colleagues. “Wow! Did you hear that? He called me a genius!”

Ignis blinked. How could he have let them get kidnapped by such an imbecile?

“Focus!” the green-haired man said (Ignis decided Lime was a suitable name), jerking his head towards Noctis. “This is about the Prince, not his advisor.”

“And what do you plan to do with him?” Ignis kept his voice as level as he could. If they planned on touching one hair on Noctis’s hair, they were going to suffer a world of-

“Ah!” Ignis let out a small cry after a shock jolted his neck. He crouched over and shut his eyes firmly, trying to breath out the sharp stinging sensation. After a few moments, he became aware of a low chuckle next to him. He looked to see the last woman holding up a small black device with a red button on top. Of course, it was a shock collar around his neck! And that device must be the remote! He scowled as Kiwi (a fair enough name as any) bent forward to look him in the eye.

“That’s for us to know and you…,” Kiwi pointed at Ignis, “… to shut up about.”

Gods, have these people no sense of banter? No, he had to focus, Ignis reminded himself. He has a Prince to protect. And now knowing both of them were in immediate danger with the shock collars… Ignis looked back at Salmon, now noticing that he held a similar black remote.

Ignis clenched his fists. “Don’t you dare harm him!”

“Oh yeah?” Kiwi straightened and crossed her arms. “What you gonna do about it?”

Ignis narrowed his eyes and spat out, “I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?” Salmon turned away from the sleeping prince and regarded Ignis. “You’d do anything?”

Something about the way Salmon spoke triggered a slight uneasiness in Ignis’s stomach. But once again taking note of the remote, Ignis gave a firm nod. “To ensure his safety, I would do anything for His Highness.”

“Anything?” Barbie gasped, bringing up her hands to cover her mouth. “Like… _anything_ anything?”

“Yes, that’s what I’ve stated twice now.”

“Oooo.” Barbie stared at Ignis with wide eyes. Ignis simply rolled his.

Salmon nodded. “All right, I think I got a fun idea. Untie him.”

Lime prowled to Ignis and grabbed his chin, forcing the adviser to look at him. “No funny business,” he said, full of venom. He glanced at Ignis’s collar and sniggered. “Or else you and His Highness will suffer a shocking predicament.”

Ignis shot daggers through his eyes but remained silent. The shock collar possessed too great a threat of immobilizing Ignis, and he couldn’t risk Noctis undergoing the pain from the collar as well. Ignis resigned himself to waiting still as Lime undid the straps binding his wrists and ankles. If only Ignis could formulate escape plans as quickly as he could formulate recipes.

Lime backed away after undoing the straps, a sick grin on his lips. Salmon approached, a glint in his eye. Ignis slowly took in a breath.

Salmon stopped directly in front of Ignis. He stared down at him. “So let me repeat myself: are you prepared to do anything to keep the Prince from harm?”

Ignis let out the breath. He stood up, eyes shone determined. This was for Noct.

“Yes. I will do anything.”

“Great. Do a handstand.”

Ignis blinked a few times. “Come again?”

Salmon furrowed his eyebrows. “You said you would do anything, right? So do a handstand.”

“Yeah! Let’s see it, Four Eyes!” Barbie said, curling her hands into fists and propping them up near her face.

“If you wish him no harm, then show us a handstand,” Lime stated, pointing to an open space in the room.

Ignis glanced around at the four captors, looking at him expectedly. Well, this was bit unforeseen. He had been anticipating he would be asked of something far more sinister, conceivably things that would result in great bodily harm. But perhaps his captors were greater simpletons than he had speculated. Regardless, if a handstand was what they wanted…

“Very well.”

Ignis bent down with his hands flat on the ground and kicked up his legs, bringing himself into a perfect handstand position.

“Wow!” Barbie squealed. “What amazing form!”

“Yeah, look at that posture.” Kiwi gave out a low whistle. “Perfect.”

“Very awesome.” Salmon gave a nod in approval. “Way better than any I’ve done.”

“It’s nothing, truly,” Ignis responded, bringing his legs back down and standing up right. “Some dedicated practice, and anyone can perform as well as I did.”

Barbie gasped and brought up her hands to her face. “You mean I could do it, too!? Wow!”

Ignis looked on in slight amusement as the three thought in wonder at the possibilities. Simpletons indeed.

“Focus!” Lime’s voice called out, snapping the three out of their reverie. “Don’t forget what we’re trying to accomplish here.”

He turned to Ignis, glaring. “You may have impressed these three, but it will take more than a simple handstand to astonish me.”

Yes, Lime did appear more serious than his colleagues. Things may take a dangerous turn. Still, Ignis held strong. “Very well. What would you have me do for Noctis?”

Lime gave an evil laugh. “Do a handstand. But this time, only one hand.”

Salmon, Barbie, and Kiwi gave out loud gasps as Ignis stifled a laugh. They were clearly all buffoons, Lime included.

Ignis bent down again, this time only placing one hand on the ground, and brought himself into another perfect handstand. This was met with cheers.

“Spectacular!” Lime said, clapping his hands. “You are most definitely impressive!”

“I thank you.” Ignis brought himself back to standing. “Well, if you are sufficiently satisfied, perhaps Noctis and I can take our- ah!”

Ignis doubled-over and grasped his neck, wincing at the return of the stinging sensation.

“No funny business, remember!?” Kiwi reproached as Ignis breathed out the pain once more. After the pain had dulled down, Ignis straightened and looked at the captors. They looked back with narrowed eyes and crossed arms.

Perhaps Ignis had been over-zealous in thinking he could convince them to let them go so simply. It would appear he would have to play along a little longer.

“In that case,” Ignis said, peering carefully at the captors, “are there any other gymnastic feats I can perform?”

The frowns transformed into gaped jaws, and gasps echoed the entire room.

“You can do more!?” Barbie pumped her arms in excitement.

Ignis gave a half-smile. “For Noctis, I’ll do anything.”

The other three grinned in approval. Salmon rubbed his hands together. “All right, Mr. Adviser, let’s see what you got…”

***

Gladio’s stomps reverberated against the halls of the Citadel. Paintings shook each time his feet pounded the floor. Gladio’s pace never faltered, adrenaline coursing through his veins. It was only until he realized he had passed his destination that he skidded to a stop. Vaulting back to the surpassed door, he slammed down on the knob and thrusted it open.

“Marshal!” Gladio called out, scanning the room. There were numerous Crownsguard members, furiously typing away on computers, frantically going through papers, and intensely making calls.

“Gladiolus!” Cor’s voice called back. Gladio turned in the direction of the voice to see Cor standing at the head of the room. Gladio rushed up to him.

“Tell me you’ve found them!” Gladio clenched his fists.

“Unfortunately, not yet,” Cor answered, sounding a tad disappointed. “However, we are in the process of identifying and locating the captors’ vehicle. There was an eyewitness that claimed to catch a glimpse of the license plate. Unfortunately, he was only able to identify one letter: R.”

Gladio gritted his teeth. “If they hurt Noctis or Ignis in any way, I’ll-“

“Gladio.” Cor grabbed his shoulder. “We’re all concerned, but it is important we keep a level head. If we’re going to save them, we need to focus. We can’t have two people enraged.”

Gladio breathed out hard, nodding his head. The Marshal was right. Standing around being infuriated wasn’t going to help Noctis and Ignis. He needed to remain calm and… wait.

“Marshal, what did you mean by two-“

Gladio was cut off by the shaking of the room. His arms went out instinctively to help maintain his balance. Around him, Crownsguard members were grasping their computers to prevent them from vibrating off the tables. A coffee mug fell and shattered. A Crownguard member lost his balance and fell onto a desk, sending papers flying into the air.

“What is this!? An earthquake?” Gladio asked, eyeing the chaos.

“No,” Cor stated, arms crossed and feet firmly planted on the ground. “His Majesty approaches.”

The door to the office burst into flames, rapidly disintegrating into dust. The flames vanished, and King Regis charged in. He had the face of absolute rage, eyes blazing unholy purple and a scowl like that of a daemon. Even firmly grasping his cane, Regis stood strong and tall, as if he could conquer and tower over anything. His Armiger spun around him in regal and celestial fury. Gladio was dumbfounded and awed by the sight of his King. 

“I thought he lost the ability to summon weapons,” Gladio whispered to Cor, eyes never leaving Regis.

“That’s parental rage for you,” Cor whispered back. “Now quit your gaping and bow to your King.”

Gladio didn’t need to be reminded twice. Cor and Gladio gave full bows, quickly followed by the rest of the Crownsguard.

“Cor!” Regis’s voice boomed.

“Your Majesty,” Cor responded without missing a beat, rising into a parade rest. How he could remain so composed in the face of a rageful King, Gladio could only wonder and admire.

“Update on my son!” Regis’s eyes glowed deeper. “Now!”

Cor nodded. “His current location remains unknown, but we have leads. Rest assured, we will find him.”

Regis growled and peered around the room at the still-bowing Crownsguard. “Back to work! Find my son!”

A chorus of high pitched “Yes, Your Majesty!” rang, and the Crownsguard shuffled back to their work.

“Just wait until I lay my hands on these culprits!” Regis summoned fireballs in his hands, flames of fury reflecting in his gleaming eyes. “First, I shall break their legs. Then, I shall break their arms. Then, I shall cut off their legs. Then…”

As Regis continued to plot by himself, Gladio noted his own father entering the room. Clarus simply looked at Regis and shook his head. Gladio also noted Cor had returned to directing the Crownsguard. How his dad and Cor could remain so undisturbed by the King’s anger, Gladio could only question what exactly went on during their road trip. But he could question later.

Gladio turned back to the King. Maybe it was that the initial shock had died down. Maybe it was leftover from his previous adrenaline rush. But seeing His Majesty armed and ready to destroy filled Gladio with a vigor. This King was not going to back down, and neither was Gladio. 

“Yeah!” Gladio pumped up a fist. “Nobody will ever mess with Noctis and Ignis again after what we do to these bastards!”

Gladio could see it, the entire Crownsguard and Kingsglaive lead by King Regis, them corning the captors, weapons raised and ready to strike-

“What was that, Gladiolus?”

Gladio snapped out of his daydream to see the King stare at him, fireballs dispersed and the Armiger frozen around him. Realizing his informal behavior, Gladio felt his cheeks get warm and moved into parade rest.

“Your Majesty,” Gladio more carefully addressed the King. “I was conveying that we will make these captors regret ever laying a hand on His Highness and Mr. Scientia.”

Regis inhaled deeply. “Are you, in fact, stating that Ignis was kidnapped alongside my son?”

“That is correct, Your Majesty.”

A few beats of silence. Then…

“YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FOOLS!” Regis collapsed after his outburst, the Armiger dissolving.

“Your Majesty!”

Cor and Clarus rushed to their fallen king, surrounding Crownsguard members shocked and frozen.

Gladio was dumbfounded for the second time that day.

***

“Next up, we have Mr. Ignis Scientia, advisor to the Crown Prince of Lucis,” Lime announced, speaking into his remote like a microphone. “He’s about to perform his floor exercise, all for the sake of ensuring the safety of his beloved Prince.”

Ignis closed his eyes and took a deep breath, visualizing his routine. Opening his eyes, he began: cartwheel, aerial cartwheel, roundoff into back handspring, back flip, full turn, front flip, front tuck, and stick the landing.

The captors cheered.

“Breath-taking!” Lime said, clapping his hands. “What a routine! A solid 10 from me!”

“Agreed! 10 from me, too,” Salmon added.

Kiwi nodded. “Put me down for a 10 as well!”

“I’ll give him a 20!” Barbie squealed, jumping up and down.

“Umm, you do know it’s out of 10, right?”

“Who’s the genius here?”

Ignis chuckled and glanced over at Noctis. Despite the loud cheers, he was still fast asleep. Ignis regarded the four and gave a bow. “I thank you all kindly. Am I correct in assuming that you, my captors, are quite… captivated?”

The four burst out laughing. Ignis grinned. With them distracted by his impressive gymnastics and witty puns, this could be his chance to-

“What the hell is going on!?”

Ignis groaned. Thwarted again, it seemed. He turned in the direction of the voice to see three figures walking towards them: a burly, bald man sporting a goatee, a brunette woman with her hair in a bun and donning purple lipstick, and a man bearing white rimmed glasses and a red streak in his black hair. Whoever these people were, they had quite the outrageous sense of fashion.

“Ah, Leaders Cliff, Sierra, and Arlo!” Salmon gave a salute, followed by his comrades. “As you can see, we successfully captured the prince and his adviser.”

“Yes, I can see that,” the brunette woman (apparently Sierra) responded. She gestured at Ignis. “But then why has his adviser been released?”

“He was performing amazing gymnastic routines!” Barbie announced.

The bald man gave a look. “What?”

“Well, he said that he would do anything to protect his prince, so we told him to do handstands and stuff,” Barbie explained, flailing her hands. “And he did! And he was amazing!”

“He said he would do anything, and you wasted that on gymnastics?” Sierra scoffed and turned towards the bald man. “Can you believe that, Cliff?”

Cliff shook his head. “Unbelievable. You guys are a bunch of idiots.”

“Hey!” Barbie huffed and put her hands on her hips. “I’m a genius!”

Sierra rolled her eyes. “Yeah, geniuses who just lost their shock collar remote privileges. Give them here, grunts!”

“Aw!” Lime and Kiwi complained but handed over their remotes to Sierra’s and Cliff’s outstretched hands. Ignis bit his lip.

“Gymnastics, what an idiotic notion indeed,” said the man with the white-rimmed glasses. “A misspent opportunity you have here.”

Salmon cocked his head to the side. “So, what would you do, Leader Arlo?”

Arlo approached Ignis, a sly look in his eye. Ignis held strong, even with the dangers increased. He didn’t show fear earlier; he wouldn’t now. He had to, for Noctis.

“It is true, what these simple grunts convey? You are prepared to do anything for the safety of your beloved prince?”

Ignis glimpsed at Noctis, blissfully sleeping. “Yes, that is correct.”

“Excellent.” Arlo smirked. “Let’s begin the real show.”

***

Regis’s eyes sprang open just as Cor was to place a Phoenix Down on his head. He smacked Cor’s hand away.

“I’m not dead, you ding dong!”

“My apologies, Your Majesty,” Cor responded, stone-faced, placing the Phoenix Down back inside his jacket.

“You can stuff your sorries in a sack,” Regis grumbled, pushing himself up into a sitting position.

“Easy now, Your Majesty,” Clarus said, placing his hands on Regis’s shoulders. “Your body has already overgone tremendous stress.”

“Yes, yes it has, Clarus.” Regis frowned at his Shield. “And wasn’t that master plan?”

Clarus furrowed his eyebrows. “Pardon, Your Majesty?”

“It’s not enough that the bloody wall is constantly draining my life-force,” Regis babbled on. “No, clearly, I have not suffered enough for you, Clarus. Obviously, I had to be placed under greater distress by being awoken during my mid-afternoon nap with false news about my son facing danger. Isn’t that right, Clarus!?”

Gladio could only gape at the scene unfolding before him. The Crownsguard members seemed just as shocked as he did, and even Clarus had a look of confusion on his face. Only Cor remained completely composed.

“Regis,” Clarus began, trying to placate the King, “I don’t believe you’re thinking clearly. Your son is kidnapped-”

“With Ignis!” Regis slammed the bottom of his cane on the ground and thrusted himself up into a standing position, eyes blazing down at Clarus. “And are you honestly questioning my mental state, Clarus?”

Clarus swallowed and stood to match Regis. “Yes, both Noctis and Ignis are captured, so we-”-

“Shouldn’t be worried at all! Gods, Clarus!” Regis rolled his eyes.

Gladio could barely believe what he was hearing. How could the King disregard Noctis and Ignis like that?

“Your Majesty!” Cor shot up back into parade rest. “My apologies, but I believe many of us are unable to follow. Why shouldn’t we be concerned regarding Noctis’s and Ignis’s capture?”

“Because Ignis is resourceful and devoted and would never let anything bad happen to Noctis,” Regis stated as-matter-of-factly. He regarded the Crownguard members. “You can go home. Why are you still even here? There’s no emergency.”

“Regis, listen,” Clarus placed a hand on Regis’s shoulder. “I know how much you trust Ignis. And he is quite the skilled, capable young man. But he remains only 20 years old with merely a few years of Crownsguard under his belt.”

“And yet I find him more trustworthy than anyone here to keep Noctis safe!” Regis banged his cane on the ground for emphasis.

“Hey!” Gladio threw up his arms, royal protocol going right out the window. “I’m right here, you know!”

Regis turned to Gladio and said, “And you should get good, you know!” He then nudged Clarus. “Get good. It’s what all the kids are saying these days, Clarus.”

Gladio opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it, only to close it again. Did the King really just say slang? Before he could process further, Clarus appeared in front of him and put on a hand on Gladio’s shoulder.

“Easy, son,” Clarus reassured. “We’ll get through this. He’s merely acting odd and grumpy because I woke him up in the middle of his nap.”

Gladio raised an eyebrow. “He’s 48 years old.”

“He’s a Caelum.”

***

Arlo nodded his head in approval. “All right, I’ll admit it. You’ve been performing quite incredibly so far. But can you digest this?”

Ignis took the plate from Arlo’s hands and stared it down. Small, slimy, slithering slugs slobbered all over it. This group had prepared quite the ensemble of disgusting foods for Ignis to eat. Ignis wasn’t sure what was more concerning: the fact that he had to eat them or the fact the group just seemed to randomly possess all these foods. Either way, this was all for Noct, so even if it wasn’t particularly enjoyable…

“Gladly.”

Ignis picked up a slug with his pointer finger and thumb, leaned back his head, opened his mouth, and dropped the slug inside. He did that with another. And then a third.

“Astonishing!” Sierra remarked, raising her eyebrows. “He’s not even winching!”

“You know,” Ignis dropped a fourth slug in, “in some areas of Accordo,” a fifth slug fell through, “live slugs could be considered a delicacy.” A sixth and seventh descended into Ignis’s stomach. “Not sure the reason why,” a eighth and ninth plummeted down the throat, “but everyone is free to their own tastes.” Ignis inhaled the last slug, and once again, he was met with cheers.

“So cool!” Barbie squealed.

Cliff shook his head in disbelief. “You didn’t even gag.”

Ignis shrugged. “To be perfectly honest, they weren’t that dreadful.”

“Well then,” Arlo gave a wicked grin, “let’s see how you handle this.”

Arlo took out another plate, this time covered with some sort of green filling. Ignis took a whiff.

“Ah… wasabi?”

“That’s right!” Arlo whipped out a spoon from in his pocket (why was he keeping spoons in his pocket?) and presented it to Ignis. “So, Mr. Adviser, are you prepared to eat this in 10 seconds flat?”

Ignis glanced from the wasabi to the sleeping prince. “For Noctis’s safety?”

“For Noctis’s safety.”

“I could do it in 5 seconds flat.”

Ignis snatched the spoon and did just that. He didn’t even flinch.

The four grunts screamed, Barbie jumping up and down, Salmon dropping to his knees and grabbing his head, Kiwi slapping her hands on her cheeks, and Lime pointing at Ignis. Sierra brought a hand to her mouth, eyebrows raising high enough to hit the ceiling. Cliff was rendered immovable, jaw-slacked. Even Arlo took a few steps back.

“How are you even real?” Arlo’s voice squeaked out.

Sierra shook her head. “This guy isn’t human.”

“Ah, come now, it’s not that impressive,” Ignis said, placing the spoon back on the plate Arlo was still holding. “Through enough taste testing and practice with cooking, anyone could adapt to any sort of flavor.”

“WAIT!” Barbie ran up to Ignis. “You cook!?”

Ignis blinked a few times and leaned back, a bit surprised by Barbie’s movements. “Yes. And I’m quite good, if I do say so myself.”

“Oh my gods, guys!” Barbie turned around to face her group, jumping from foot to foot. “He cooks!”

That got Cliff moving. “Grunts! Find ingredients, now!”

“Sir yes sir!” the four grunts each gave a salute and ran off.

Arlo nudged Ignis. “You better not be pulling my leg, Mr. Adviser.”

"Yes, I expect something fantastic from you,” Sierra agreed, placing a hand on her hip.

Ignis cocked an eyebrow. “Just to be clear, this is for Noctis’s safety, correct?”

The leaders nodded.

Ignis glanced to Noctis. Despite all the screaming and mayhem, he was still in slumberland. Turning back to the leaders and spreading out his arms, Ignis declared, “Then I’ll make you the most scrumptious meal you have ever eaten!”

***

“So…” one of the Crownsguard crept up to Cor. “Should we go home now or…?” 

Cor narrowed his eyes. “Need I remind you that the location of our Crown Prince and his adviser remain unknown?”

“And need I remind you that Ignis will take care of everything and you’re waiting your efforts?” Regis interjected.

Cor addressed the king, expressionless. “Your Majesty, while I admire your faith in young Scientia, I recommend that we continue our efforts to locate them. Things could always go south.”

It was Regis’s turn to narrow his eyes. “Cor, you are aware that I, myself, the King of Lucis, handpicked Ignis to serve Noctis.”

“When he was 6 years old.”

“I didn’t ask for your sass, Clarus! Regardless, by questioning Ignis’s ability, you are questioning my own decision to pick the very best for my son. Are we doing this again, Marshal?”

Gladio wasn’t sure, but he swore he saw just the slightest twitch from the side of Cor’s mouth. Clarus moved forward to speak for the Marshal. “No one is questioning your decision, Regis. But as back-up, perhaps it would be best to send out a team to aid them.”

“Which one of us is king, Clarus?”

Clarus groaned and face-palmed. Gladio squeezed his dad’s shoulder.

Regis gave an exasperated sigh. “Why am I even still here? I’m going back to my nap!” With that, Regis paced out of the room, shoes and cane clicking as he went.

“Ugh, Regis!” Clarus threw up his arms and followed after his King.

“We best follow them,” Cor said to Gladio, the younger man giving a nod. They started making their way out when the previous Crownsguard member called to them.

“So does this mean we can go home now?”

Cor stopped and rotated to face the Crownsguard member. “Do you like breathing?”

“…I suppose?”

“Then I advise you remain here.”

“… yes, sir.”

***

“Oh my gods!”

“This is absolutely heavenly!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever eaten anything this good!”

Ignis gave a nod in triumph as he watched the captors delight themselves with his cooking. Even the leaders looked in a state of bliss. Another successful recipe.

“In all seriousness,” Sierra said, “how about we hire you as our new personal chef?”

Ignis chuckled. “Well, I am flattered, but I’m afraid I am occupied with another position.”

“We could pay you double,” Arlo offered.

“No, no, this isn’t about the money,” Ignis said, gazing over at Noctis. He always seemed so peaceful when he slept.

“ **What is the meaning of this!?”**

The captors gasped and dropped their food. “Boss Giovanni!?” They stood erect and gave a salute.

Ignis flinched. In his fanatical cooking, he had completely forgotten to take proper advantage of the leaders’ distraction. And now, it would appear he was too late. How could he fail Noctis again?

Ignis let out a breath and turned around. A tall, dark-haired man strut towards him. He had a stern look to him. He stopped at Ignis and stared down at him, eyes narrowing. Ignis crossed his arms and stared back.

The man (Giovanni apparently) addressed his group. “Why was he been unshackled?”

“Apologies, sir.” Cliff stepped forward and kneeled to his boss. “We were merely testing his strength?”

“Testing?” Giovanni brought a hand to his chin.

“That is correct, sir.” Arlo kneeled next to Cliff. “He claimed that he would do anything to ensure the safety of Prince Noctis.”

“We wished to see how far he would go, sir,” Sierra added, kneeling beside Arlo.

“Anything?” Giovanni raised an eyebrow, “And just what exactly did you have him do?”

“Oo! I can answer that!” Barbie jumped and scurried to Giovanni. She looked up at her boss, beaming ear to ear. “Well, first, we had him do these amazing gymnastics routines! Seriously, you should have seen him! He’s like a professional! And then he was eating all these crazy foods! Like, he ate wasabi whole without a second thought! And then, he made this amazing dish! Seriously, it’s one of the best things I’ve ever eaten! And all he used was-“

“Grunt!” Giovanni bellowed.

Barbie froze and gulped. “Yes, Boss?”

“…back into formation.”

“Yes, sir,” Barbie said softly, scurrying quickly back and resuming her position.

Giovanni sighed and shook his head. “Rise, leaders.” Cliff, Arlo, and Sierra obeyed, clasping their hands behind them in parade rest.

Giovanni took a good, hard look at his followers and he scoffed. “What complete and utter imbeciles you are. You are given a true opportunity, and you went and squandered it. Thank the gods I arrived when I did. It’s time to show you how to do this properly.”

As the captors hung their heads in shame, Giovanni regarded Ignis. Giovanni’s face lay emotionless. Ignis exhaled out slowly. This was it. This was where he would be truly tested. But Ignis refused to be afraid. No matter what happened, he would keep Noctis safe.

“I’m sure you know the drill by now, but Mr. Scientia, what will you do for your precious Prince? To protect him?”

“Anything.”

“Perfect. Just the answer I wanted to hear.”

***

When Gladio and Cor caught up with the King and his Shield, they had stopped just past a training room door. Clarus was in front of Regis and holding out his arms, blocking the King’s path.

Regis huffed. “Do I need to become physical?”

"Regis, listen. You aren’t thinking rationally.”

“It’s hard to be rational when someone wakes you up mid-dream, Clarus!”

Gladio heard Cor mutter beside him: “This has gone on far enough.”

The Marshal marched straight to Regis, hard-eyed. “Your Majesty! You are behaving in a manner unfitting of a King! Cease this childishness at once!”

Regis sighed and shook his head. “Just wonderful! No one will let me rest and now Cor’s back to his teenage rebellion! Are you going to acquire another tattoo!?”

Gladio could definitely see a twitch that time.

“Don’t. You. Dare.”

“Regis! Cor! Focus! Think of Noctis and Ignis!”

“How many times must I repeat myself!? Ignis has it under control! They are **safe!** ”

Gladio could only watch in morbid curiosity as the three adult men bickered. He felt like he should do something, but what could he-

**“Hey! Do you mind keeping it down!?”**

Surprised by the new voice, Regis, Clarus, and Cor suddenly stopped, and everyone turned to locate the source. There, standing in the hallway with his arms crossed and an annoyed expression, was Prompto.

“We are trying to watch this amazing live-stream and it’s really hard to hear when you keep arguing with the King and-” Prompto’s expression dropped with the sudden realization. “Oh my Gods, that is the King! I just told the King to be quiet! Oh my Gods, nevermind, I’m shutting up now.”

Prompto scurried to the training room door. Before he could open it completely, Gladio ran up and slammed it back close, triggering a yelp out of Prompto.

“What are you doing here?” Gladio questioned, eyeing Prompto. “How did you even get in?”

“Umm, the Kingsglaive let me in?” Prompto squeaked out.

“The Kingsglaive?” Cor posed. “What business would they have with you?”

“Well, uh…” Prompto rubbed the back of his neck. “I had found the livestream of Iggy and I rushed to the Citadel ‘cause I figured you guys would wanna know. And on my way, I ran into the Kingsglaive ‘cause they were training just outside the gates and I showed them it and they wanted to watch on a bigger screen. And-”

“Hold on, hold on,” Clarus interrupted. “This is the second time you mentioned. What is this live-stream?”

Regis rolled his eyes. “Get with the times, Clarus! Live-streaming is when you record a video live for all to watch. Astrals, Clarus!”

“I am aware what a live-stream is, Your Majesty,” Clarus snapped. “I was regarding the content of said live-stream.”

Prompto perked up. “So… you still haven’t heard about the live-stream?”

=The four shook their heads.

Prompto’s demeanor changed back into his happy, sunshine self. “Oh my Gods! You have GOT to see it! Come on!”

The five entered the training room. In the middle were members of the Kingsglaive, huddled together with their backs to the five. Whatever they were doing, Gladio figured it must be something entertaining, noting the excited chatter and hooting among them.

Prompto cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Yo, Kingsglaive! Make way for His Majesty and his entourage!”

Nyx turned around first, immediately giving a salute. He called out to the rest of the group, “You heard the kid! They definitely need to see this!”

The Kingsglaive scooted to the sides, revealing a large TV with a small laptop hooked up to it. The King and his entourage (Gladio could not believe Prompto had actually said that) walked closer to the TV to see…

“Is that…” Cor began.

“Ignis…” Clarus continued.

“Pole-dancing?” Gladio gaped.

Regis gave a firm nod. “Damn right he is.”

Ignis Scientia. Adviser to the Crown Prince of Lucis. Legs hooked around a pole. Spinning around it. That was happening.

Gladio was dumbfounded for the third time.

The Kingsglaive, on the other hand, couldn’t get enough.

"Sweet Astrals, this guy is RIDICULOUS!” Pelna said, laughing, as Ignis arched back to bring himself upside on the pole.

“He looks like a majestic freakin’ zu!” Libertus said, grabbing Pelna’s shoulder and pointing at the screen.

“I suppose we now know what really goes on during Crownsguard training.” Luche nudged Cor and gave him a wink.

If looks could kill, Luche would be burning alive from the fire in Cor’s eyes.

“Damn!” Crowe exclaimed. Ignis had positioned himself vertically, legs spread out parallel to the pole with his hands grasping the pole. “It’s official! If I ever get married, I know who I’m hiring for my bacholerette party.”

Nyx slapped her back. “You’d better invite me to that!”

Gladio glanced at his father. Clarus was quite a sight: wide-eyed, slack-jaw, frozen limbs. Gladio turned back to the screen just in time to see Ignis stretch out his legs completely horizontally.

“Woo!” Prompto cheered from behind Gladio. “Work it, Mama Ignis!”

“Well, would you look at that, Clarus,” Regis rested an elbow on Clarus’s shoulder. “Ignis is holding up just fine as his own. And having a great time as well. And guess who’s help didn’t need, Clarus?”

Clarus didn’t respond as he was still frozen.

“This doesn’t make a lick of sense!” Cor called out. Gladio noted there a very clear vein popping out of his forehead. “Why in the name of the Six would Ignis be pole-dancing!?”

“Because the kidnappers told him to,” Nyx answered, eyes still glued to the screen.

“…what?”

“Ignis said he would do anything to protect Noctis, so the kidnappers are seeing how much he can actually do. And they’re kind enough to live-stream for our viewing pleasure.”

“…you mean to tell me that this live-stream is from the captors.”

“Did you not listen to a word I said?”

Cor clenched his fists at his sides. “And do they also happen to list the location?”

“Ummm.” Nyx bent over to check the laptop. “Yeah, it’s listed.”

“Then why are you still here!?”

Nyx looked at Cor like he was crazy. “To watch this amazing live-stream, obviously.” Surrounding Kingsglaive members gave shouts of approval.

Cor literally growled. He stomped over to the wall, grabbed his megaphone, stomped back in front of the TV, and shouted into the megaphone, **“STOP BEING USELESS AND GET THE PRINCE AND HIS ADVISER BACK NOW!”**

Gladio gulped. The Marshal with his megaphone was always a force to be reckoned with, Even the King remained silent. The Kingsglaive looked scared, but reluctant to go.

"Guys, guys, guys, it’s okay!” Prompto called out, holding out his hands in a calming motion. “I’ll make sure the video is recorded! Go save Noctis and Ignis!”

“All right, Prompto!” Nyx cheered. “You’re the real hero! Kingsglaive, let’s save this beast of an adviser and our prince!”

The Kingsglaive ran out the room. After a few moments, Cor (who was clenching his megaphone so tightly that his hand was turning white) stomped out of the training room himself. That left Gladio with a shocked-looking Prompto, a still-frozen Clarus, a beaming Regis.

“Wow,” Prompto whispered to himself. Then, his face lit up. “Nyx called me a hero!” The blond jumped over to the laptop, presuming to start the recording.

“Oh, Ignis,” Regis looked prideful at the video, as Ignis posed on the pole. “You’ve made this old king very, very proud. Please continue watching over my son and doing whatever is necessary to keep him safe.” Regis then addressed Gladio and Clarus, who still wasn’t moving. “Now that we have firmly established that Ignis and Noctis are fine and will be rescued shortly, I shall return to my nap. And no one is to wake me up unless they want to spend the rest of the week assisting servant Quen with meals. I’m looking at you, Clarus. Regis, out.”

Gladio and Clarus were left standing next to each other as Regis left and Prompto returned his attention to ‘Mama Ignis’ (as he put it). Gladio ran a hand through his hair. This was definitely the weirdest day he’s ever had.

The two stood in silence for a few more moments. Then, Clarus cleared his throat.

“Gladiolus.”

“Father.”

“Do you suppose it’s too late for us to abandon family tradition and become flower shop owners?”

“I’m not tending roses, Dad.”

“…bugger.”

***

“You see, this is a real show!” Giovanni announced. He sat on a aptly put chair and sipped from his wine glass. Around him, the captors were cheering and keenly watching Ignis pole-dance.

“It’s true, we all squandered our opportunity,” Arlo admitted, earning firm nods from Sierra and Cliff in agreement.

“But that’s why you’re the boss!” Barbie said in a sing-song-voice.

Salmon, Kiwi, and Lime raised their fists in unison and shouted, “Best idea ever, boss!”

Ignis gave one final twirl around the pole, pushed himself off into a flip, and stuck the landing. This was met with applause all around. Ignis smiled brightly and gave a bow. He had to admit; this was all invigorating and freeing. What would he do next to prove his devotion to Noctis?

But before anyone could suggest anything, the Kingsglaive busted in and surrounded the captors.

“Freeze, villains!” Nyx said, kukris raised. “You’re all under arrest for kidnapping the Prince and his adviser!”

“Blast!” Giovanni dropped his glass and put up his hands. “How did you find us?”

Nyx gave a stupid grin. “We were watching the livestream!”

“Livestream?” Salmon asked. “What livestream?”

“Oh right!” Barbie called out. “While Four Eyes was getting ready for his gymnastics routine, I set up a livestream over there!” Barbie pointed out to the camera/laptop set up (How did they miss that, Ignis wondered). “I figured all of Insomnia would want to see it!”

“You most certainly got that right!” Libertus agreed, putting handcuffs on the leaders.

“So… am I correct in understanding that you put our location up there as well?” Lime asked.

Barbie tilted her head. “Yeah, was that a problem?”

“Ugh! You idiot!”

“That’s genius, thank you very much!”

“Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, get moving!” Crowe said, grabbing Barbie’s arm.

As the Kingsglaive arrested the captors and took them away, Ignis processed the information Barbie revealed. There had been… a livestream?

A clicking noise sounded and Ignis felt a pressure release from his neck. The shock collar fell to the ground.

“There you go, Ignis,” Nyx said, twirling around the remote. “Feel free to call me your hero.”

“Mr. Ulric… that livestream… you were viewing it?”

“Oh yes indeed!”

Ignis hestitated. “And just how much did you see?”

Nyx winked. “Enough to know that you know how to work a pole.”

Ignis brought a hand to his mouth. This could be a problem. If all Insomnia had seen… “Oh dear… I may have blundered.”

“No way!” Nys reassured. “You were fantastic! And you’re totally being entertainment for our next party!”

“Ah…” Ignis brought a hand to his head. Yes, that may have been a mistake. The Council would definitely not approve of his behavior. Yet, then again…

Ignis turned to Noctis. He was sleeping but ultimately unharmed. Ignis smiled.

“Anyway, I figure you’ll want to do the honors?” Nyx outstretched the other remote.

“Yes, thank you.”

Ignis swiftly removed Noctis’s shock collar and his bindings. Noctis was still asleep, but Ignis had one trick up his shelf.

“Is that a cute kitten I see?”

“Where!?” Noctis immediately opened his eyes, darting around the room. He frowned and looked at Ignis. “Hey, there’s no kitten!”

“Yes, I lied, had to wake you up somehow.”

Noctis huffed and looked around. “Ummm, Iggy, where are we?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Ignis quickly said. “All you need to know is that we’re safe now, and the Kingsglaive will take us home.”

"Home?” Noctis sounded a little disappointed. “But what about the animal shelter?”

“Ah, well, I suppose there’s still time for that. Come on, let’s go.”

Noctis groaned and crossed his arms. “But I still feel tired. I don’t wanna get up!”

“Shall I carry you there, then?”

“…you would do that?”

“For you, Noctis?” Ignis smiled and scooped up Noctis in his arms. “Anything.”

**Author's Note:**

> So you may have been able to figure out that I based the captors off of another fandom, if you're familiar with it. If you are, how long did it take you to figure it out? Also, I made 5 references to other things as well. Kudos to you if you realized any/all of them!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


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